“And when you look at the sky you know you are looking at stars which are hundreds and thousands of light-years away from you. And some of the stars don’t even exist anymore because their light has taken so long to get to us that they are already dead, or they have exploded and collapsed into red dwarfs. And that makes you seem very small, and if you have difficult things in you life it is nice to think that they are what is called negligible, which means they are so small you don’t have to take them into account when you are calculating something.”
― Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
So a great deal of time has passed since i wrote my last post.
The reason for this is because this blog is about my search for love and for a long time i had found it.
So contrary to my previous article i managed to win the boy back. I managed to show him how much i loved him and i got my second chance.
On a rainy february morning i stood at the arrivals gate at Heathrow as i watched the love of my life walk through the doors. I was compete.
The next five months were extremely rocky. As i said before we have a very fiery relationship, a fire that burns so bright when we are passionate and one that scorches every fibre when we argue.
I don’t want to give a blow by blow account of all that happened because…well, I’m not ready to re-live some of my happiest memories knowing that they are simply that, memories.
The thing is we both now have very different views of our previous relationship. He feels he was to hurt to ever think about having something between us. I feel like no amount of pain is greater than my love. Now i have a million friends and family members telling me too move on and i’m really trying. Maybe thats the problem, maybe my childish need to rebel is causing my body to shut down at the thought of being away from this person.
Now if I read all my old posts he comes across quite swimmingly. He seems like the kind of guy who gave me a million chances and flew across the world to be with me and got hurt to much to continue. And for all intents and purposes this is correct. However he isn’t exactly perfect. The boy is crazy high maintenance! His mood swings are so frequent their irregularity has actually become a reality. He is stubborn to the core and would probably rather chew off his own foot before admitting he was wrong…. and he’s well. Perfect.
And not in a cheesy kind of perfect. He keeps me so entertained and frustrated that I’m continually trying to fight for him.
However i must now recollect possibly one of the worst experiences of my life. You see we live together. The night we broke up, i did it. I was not being shown what i needed in terms of love and respect so i ended it. I moved his things to another room and i moved out for a week. I was so over this petulant relationship and this boy who did not seem to care at all about my feelings.
When i returned we spent some time together and it was just perfect. All the pressure was gone. He kissed me like he used to. He kissed me with care in his lips like he was trying to mend my heart with his mouth. And i fell. Faster than anyone else has ever fallen. Quicker and more recklessly than ever before. Back into love. That night we slept together, we were so in tune with each other. It felt like everything that had happened up until this point was for a reason. Like everything we had been through before this was so we could learn how to love in this new way. This more intense way. To the point were i now wonder if i was even truly in love before. Because what i felt that night was so phenomenal i could have died at any moment and been truly happy.
As the week progressed we spent more and more time together. It felt like we were dating again. All the pressure had been lifted. All the hurt i had before seemed so irrelevant because i had him, in a way nobody else had. I was sure of that. I had his heart completely.
I was wrong.
Turns out it was just me feeling this way. Shortly after this he told me, he would never date me again. That he couldn’t ever be with me because we were so negative together. Is he crazy? What was negative? We loved each other?
Have you ever been hit so hard in the stomach that you can’t breathe? Or when your body gets so hot you feel like you may combust? That’s what happened to me in that second. It was as if every piece of hope i had, my year of work, my planning and my love were done. It was as if i had been told i was no longer aloud to dream or that the validity of my feelings had zero impact on what would happen to my future.
A short amount of time passed with some heated arguments (we are still living in the same house) and i had done the usual thing of being ‘over it’ and talking about ‘moving on’ but one day a friend of mine asked me… “would you still be with him if he wanted you?” the question shook me like a natural disaster. Yes. Yes i would. Because this is love and love conquers all. Nobody can turn their back on love. If there’s one thing i know we can do, its fight. We have fought for this so much and we haven’t ever given up. Christ the boy came across the world for me!
I called and arranged a dinner with him. I went out a spent all my money (Quite literally) On food, candles, table runners and a gift. I decorated the outside of our garden with candles and told him to dress smart. I lay the food out on the table and ventured into my house. This was the moment my life was to turn around. This was my great love story. This was the moment we would tell our children about when our lives changed forever and we became this united perfect couple. I ventured upstairs with the largest bouquet of flowers…it was actually two bouquets but hey who’s counting. I knocked on his door. There i stood dressed head to toe in my full suit. Tie and shirt. Like leonardo in that scene from titanic where he waits at the bottom of the stairs. i guided him downstairs and pulled his chair out. I opened the champagne and filled our glasses.
The sun was starting to go down, the table looked beautiful and this was to be one of the truly defining moments of my life. We talked a little and then he began to ask some very strange questions. “what was your favourite part of our relationship?” “what was your favourite thing we did?”. Are you fucking kidding me? My head was screaming again i was in shock. He was so checked out and uninterested. I read a letter to him that i had never read before.
It was a letter to his mother that i had written around the time of the last blog post. It was a letter declaring my love and protection. I swore i would give him a home and life here (which i have). I swore i would always love him and wanted to help him achieve his dreams (which is my goal every day) it then says i want him to meet my family and show him europe. To which i presented him with his gift. It was a book of spanish phrases. My family own a house in spain and i said i wanted to take him away. Have some time just the two of us. With no pressure just to see what was still there. To give this corpse a breathe of life and see if it could live again in a new way. I just wanted an opportunity. I then told him that part of the deal was that i wanted him to come and meet my family and that we would collect the keys from them as soon as we had spent some time at their home. I wanted him to have my entire life. I was giving him everything he ever wanted…
“i just can’t”
He proceeded to tell me all the awful things that happened between us. How awful a person I am and how miserable i made him. My heart sank so far i wonder if i’ll ever find it again. I stepped away from the table and moved towards my room trying to suppress the panic attack that was rising up inside me. I tried desperately to remove the tie from my neck but it was fixed in place. As if mother nature needed any assistance at this present moment to restrict my breathing, my body way doing that all by itself. He tried to push inside my room and comfort me. I pushed him away he simply turned and walked out. As if my pain was a huge burden and inconvenience upon his day. I fell to the floor and just lay there. ‘This is the worst moment of my life’ I thought. I slowly crawled out of the suit and got into some sweats. I counted to ten and stood up. I marched into the kitchen retrieved the black bin bags. I returned to the garden and swept the table into them. This table was like a torturous reminder of what had just happened and i had to just get rid. I stood at the kitchen sink shortly after cleaning away the expensive un-eaten meal from the plates. He appeared behind me and asked if he could assist. What? With the dishes? Is he crazy?
Many more arguments have ensued over the recent weeks and days. I still love him. I have recently heard rumours that he’s moving on and with other people. It makes me sick to my stomach but hey thats just life i guess. I am now sitting here alone in our former room. Stiil attempting to put it all back together in my brain and address were it all went wrong. But all i can confirm is that perhaps he just doesn’t love me. And I’m not talking, love you like a friend. Or, would cry if you died sort of love, because I’m sure he does have that. But real love. No. I don’t know if he ever did. I would fight for that boy until the day i died if i thought it would make a difference. But i know the more i fight and show my feelings and upset, the more he grows repulsed.
I never thought this relationship would end. I really didn’t. I was sure i had found something in this person. That elusive thing. The person who would walk over hot coals for me. The person who would give their life for yours.
I had not.
What i have found is that i have a much greater capacity for love than i ever knew. I have the biggest heart which i never knew and I will fight until the bitter end. Long after everyone else has surrendered.
“We are always the first into battle and the last out.” – My Grandfather
So in conclusion i’m a little bit of a mess again. But an end is an end. I just wish I could move on the way he has. With a smile on my face and the desire to meet someone new in my heart. I’m not there yet. But i will be.